It’s tough. Accepting that which you cannot change. Finding joy and thankfulness in the midst of the most intensely difficult times of your life.
Eucharisteo means to be actively grateful, to give thanksgiving, to express gratitude. Through the insanity that is infertility, and while I don’t succeed at doing it every day, I have tried to shift my mindset to be one of eucharisteo. There are days it seems impossible to do this. There have been weeks this summer I’ve lost sight of it, most notably the past few weeks. But because of the love and support of a stranger and fellow sister in infertility I was able to shift my focus back again. To a mindset of gratefulness and thanksgiving. She offered a gentle reminder.
Last night I had a very random and unexpected phone call from someone in California. While I was put in touch with this woman for work purposes, after our phone call regarding said work, she called me back. I answered thinking “oh crap, something is wrong and I need to fix it.”
I answered and her voice came across to me with unexpected words. She said, “I saw your blog and I noticed you’ve gone through IVF. Are you still dealing with it? I went through it and I just wanted to talk to you about it.” My voice caught and all I could think was, “what is happening here?” But we talked for awhile. It turns out she went to the same fertility clinic I go to in Pasadena and she was a patient of my RE’s partner. She has an IVF baby now.
This stranger, this person I’ve never met, called just to offer support, love and an understanding ear. I explained my current situation (which i’ll update on soon) and she offered comforting words.
It was exactly what I needed. As I prepare to enter another round of IVF my thoughts just scream in a messy tornado of confusion, worry, fear, excitement, hope, grief, sadness and sometimes completely crippling exhaustion. I needed someone to reach out and help me focus again. Someone outside my circle, someone who has been in my shoes.
The point of all of this is that this woman, this beautiful stranger who knows what particular hell I’m currently in is like, reached out to me. And by doing so she reminded me of my eucharisteo. She didn’t even mean to, yet from that one phone call she helped me get past my funk and reminded me to focus on what I’m thankful for. This woman mentioned that I hadn’t blogged since May. She encouraged me to write an update stating that we aren’t giving up. Because you never know who may be out there reading, a woman who needs support and encouragement. A woman struggling to decide whether to keep going or to give up on her hearts desire.
So here it is. Despite the fear, worry and insanity that is another round of IVF, and despite being what I call being a ‘hyper-infertile’, we are not giving up. We are going to continue to fight to get our baby home. And through it all I am choosing to focus on eucharisteo.
To you my fellow infertiles, despite the hell and difficulty, try to find your eucharisteo. Even if it’s one thing a day to be thankful for. I promise, it helps.
And if your heart is still screaming at you to keep going on your infertility journey, please don’t give up just yet.