Written August 15, 2014:
Oh boy. After sorting out my cycle calendar, ordering my meds and multiple calls to my IVF coordinator we are officially rolling on IVF cycle one. I received my cycle calendar and printed it off to pour over. I started crying. The sheer amount of shots I have to do every night is terrifying. Plus, not knowing what all the meds will do to me, how I’ll react, if this will work, if this will be a waste of time and money, it all just hit me. ALL THE FEELS.
So I just sat frozen at my desk with tears in my eyes staring at my IVF calendar until co-workers snapped me out of it by needing things. The nerve. I don’t even understand everything I’m feeling. There’s so much hope but I am also completely terrified. This is, aside from marrying Edder, the biggest emotional investment I will ever make in my life. It’s overwhelming honestly.
But, first things first. I had a baseline ultrasound and some bloodwork to do before officially starting my cycle. And to explain it a bit, this is what my personal IVF calendar currently looks like, there will likely be a few adjustments as we go along (to meds and dates):
Cycle Day 1: Start Birth Control (take for 10 days–yes, we infertiles understand the irony of being on BCP)
Cycle Day 13: Baseline Bloodwork and Ultrasound
Cycle Day 17: Begin Stim (shots/meds) Protocol
– 225 units GonalF
– 225 units Menopur
– .25 Omnitrope.
Cycle Day 18: Same as ^^^
Cycle Day 19: Same as ^^^
Cycle Day 20: Same as ^^^ (and fly to LA with a cooler full of needles and meds)
Cycle Day 21: Same as ^^^ + Ganirelix (another shot); ultrasound and bloodwork at HRC-Pasadena
Cycle Day 22: Same as ^^^
Cycle Day 23: Same as ^^^
Cycle Day 24: Possible ultrasound, bloodwork and HCG shot
Cycle Day 25: ^^^^^
Cycle day 26: Possible egg retrieval
Cycle day 27: Possible egg retrieval
So to give you an idea where I am on my cycle calendar, today I’m on day 13. And the day has been a total roller coaster.
I feel like my time to get a baby is running out and every passing month just drags it all out longer and longer. Each passing month in my mind just means I’m losing more and more precious eggs of which I don’t have a large supply (thanks to endometriosis and being in the 10% of women who have early onset diminished ovarian reserve). I went to my RE clinic here in my hometown this morning for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Much easier than flying to Los Angeles… just a tiny bit. It turns out I have a 2.5″ cyst. The nurse was unsure if it was endometrial or just a simple ovulation cyst… either way the nurse told me the chances my cycle gets canned this month are pretty high.
I basically flipped my lid, cried, felt incredibly frustrated and Edder had to talk me off the ledge of despair I was standing on. I went back to work and just sat there eating a big bag of sour skittles. Because I didn’t know what else to do. I was terrified and so sad.
Looking back I may have been a tad dramatic about all of that, but it was my first IVF cycle and my clinic in Pasadena handles things differently than my clinic here in town. I simply didn’t know what to expect. So what did I do? I pulled out that jump to conclusions mat, per usual, and assumed my cycle would be cancelled.
When, to my surprise, I got a call a few hours later from my clinic in Pasadena saying everything looked great and to continue on schedule per my calendar.
Well. Alright then. I guess it’s officially “on”! Gulp.
Oh, don’t be confused, I continued eating that entire (large) bag of sour skittles until they were gone.