iui no. 4. the wait day 10. the words i’ve needed.

This is nearing the end of the IUI posts, I know it’s basically ridiculous to post these so late, but I just can’t leave them in my drafts folder. Mostly because I have organization issues and can’t stand mess… drafts are messy! I want them out of the draft folder! Point being, another IUI post from this past spring.

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Infertility is such a *&#$*&@#*!(%^&@*.  Today is an awful day. I feel defeated and exhausted and angry. I feel like IUI definitely didn’t work, despite the hope I was feeling yesterday. Tinges of cramps are changing that this morning. I can’t even open my door at work because my eyes are just watery pools. I want to curl up in a ball and will the world away. And maybe scream at things. Anything.

I hate this.

The only consolation I have in all of this is the fact that I recently found the blog of a woman who writes about the actual emotional effects of infertility. I think the shame that surrounds infertility lends itself to women hiding what they are going through, they face the misery alone, depression sinks in and it’s an evil swirling vortex of awful.

I found her blog and I just read and read and read. She looks at and writes about how hard this all is. About how the level of stress associated with infertility is akin to a woman having cancer, being HIV+ or terminally ill. I think if more people in the world, fertile and infertile alike, understood how HEAVY this all is there would be more compassion. More open dialog. Less smuggness. More gentleness, more caring, more ‘in person’ HELP in my region of the country.

Reading this woman’s blog makes me want to quit my job and become an advocate for infertility. For educating people about how ridiculously tough this is, about how this is a MEDICAL condition not a choice, but also being a life line for women like me. For women who day in and day out go to work, have a social life and put on that face that everything is okay. When it’s not.

Why do we have to act like infertility is okay? Because it’s not. It’s horrible. And painful, both emotionally and physically. It’s exhausting and mind numbing. And it’s so misunderstood, even by women like me going through it. Our RE’s scramble to figure out WHY when mindless people around us tell us if we ‘just relax’, ‘just chill out’, ‘just eat right,’ ‘just… whatever’ and it’s NOT TRUE. Those things will not fix our problem. Loose under-roos for Edder won’t fix the problem. ‘Just’ adopting a kid will not solve our problem. Vitamins will not solve our problem.

People need to understand. And they just don’t, which makes the whole thing that much more frustrating and mind-numbing. I want to research how infertility effects women and offer advice and help on how to cope. I feel like there is so little information out there on HOW to cope and deal with infertility.

Sure, there are endless message boards and blogs out there. But in all the time I’ve been a part of that, while the women are nothing but wonderful and supportive and are a shoulder to cry on because they are standing right where I am… none of this is offering practical guides on how to cope. It’s not offering me a woman I have a relationship with, in person, to share the good, the bad and the ugly with. Someone who absolutely understands what I’m dealing with. Someone I can bond with. I’ve always felt even the message boards are too ‘surface level’ for me.

Sometimes I need help coping. I know other women in this situation do too. Just like women who suffer from cancer and HIV need help coping and getting through it. It’s days like today that no matter how much support I have from my family and friends (most of whom don’t struggle with infertility–the exception is my sisters)… it’s not enough. It just isn’t. I need more.

So. The words I read on this woman’s blog, they helped me a ton. I needed them today. But it left me wanting more. It made me wish I had woman I knew in real life who could relate to my exact situation at this exact moment. And it made me want to DO something about that. My brain is working and whirling and hopefully someday it produces something useful for the world of infertile women.

Related: only a few more days before we find out if this IUI did the trick. While I try and remain positive about it, the reality is that some days it’s just nearly impossible. Needless to say, today is one of those days. The next few days can not go by quickly enough.

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