The below post (under the line) was written in early March. I haven’t looked at it since then and re-reading it before posting it reminded me just how much I’ve been through with this. It makes me so incredibly grateful that I am choosing to write about my journey with infertility publicly. Not hiding my name or story from anyone.
More and more, as time goes on, I can’t ignore how blessed I am with support in every way, just swallowing me up, wrapping me up in comfort and safety. The more I remember what I have, the more I want to be savagely vocal about what I’m going through.
More and more I feel impressed to share my story. Loudly (not like shouting… i mean, you know what i mean). I want other women to have the bravery it takes to talk about it. Because, with the bravery comes the greatest and most needed blessing an infertile could ever need. Support. I want to share, to grieve, to cry and to GIVE to other women going through what I’m going through. Because I know not all of them are blessed in the way I’ve been in the way of support.
I don’t know why I’ve been chosen to go down what feels like the toughest path a woman can be faced with, but I do know I absolutely WILL turn it into something good. I can’t sit back and not. In fact, I’ve been working on something behind the scenes that is going very well and acting as an incredible platform for my story. I hope this platform grows and becomes something bigger than me, but time will tell.
I’m a mush-fest today. Read on. The journey continues. I’ll be catching these posts up at a rapid pace since things in our journey took a new turn, a rapid unexpected turn, but a turn that we absolutely know is right. Stay tuned! Things are going to be getting crazy around here in a few weeks!
This day was rough. It was probably one of the toughest days I’ve had to date in regard to IUI. My body and emotions were just pissed off and making everything for me miserable. I had some hulk smash rage going on, but I mostly just felt like crap.
The night before, while slicing some mushrooms for dinner, I doubled over in pain. I couldn’t move for a good few minutes. It was a really disconcerting feeling. It felt like someone was literally stabbing a knife into my right ovary. I finished dinner in pain and then took it easy the rest of the night. I woke up this morning with a lot of pain still stabbing my ovary. I felt like I had a cold. I was exhausted. I wanted to lay in bed and cry.
Emotionally, the only way I can describe how I felt was intensely sad. It was like a cloud of physical pain and extreme sadness hung over me the entire day. I couldn’t shake it. I could barely muster a smile. I was just so miserable. I still don’t understand why.
What I did do was call my RE clinic and had a few conversations with the nurses. Basically it was shell out $125 for an ultrasound that would tell us if I was just experiencing extremely tender ovaries, or wait . I wasn’t bleeding, I could walk… which all indicated my ovary hadn’t crimped over on itself due to the weight of my follicle from earlier. We decided to just wait it out, I just took it really easy all day and evening.
The physical pain I get. I understand it. My ovary was stretched to twice it’s normal size this cycle, thanks to my gigantor champion follicle. What I didn’t understand was the overwhelming sadness that I had. It could have just been the exhaustion setting in, feeling sick, I don’t know… I just don’t understand why the overwhelming sadness was prevailing.
The only thought is that I have more hope for this cycle than the last one. While I do everything in my power to keep my emotions under control and my hope realistic I think what happens is that some days I just can’t. I’m just feeling today that I want it SO bad this time. So bad. The fact that I’ve had two gut wrenching and vivid dreams that this IUI worked hasn’t helped. I’ve tried not to think about it.
But one morning, about a week ago, I woke up suddenly after dreaming that I was walking along with some friends and family and it suddenly hit me, in my gut, to the core that I was pregnant. That the IUI had worked. It was like a present time kind of dream, not in the future. I woke up like my gut had been punched and the air was knocked out of me. I woke up feeling that physical gut wrenching feeling. That it had worked.
I think that’s what’s bothering me. That dream. The second dream wasn’t as intense. I didn’t wake up feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was more… gentle. I was once again walking along with family and friends. And I was simply pregnant. And I knew it. And I was smiling. It was again like it was present time, not in the future when I was super pregnant. No. It was once again that I was newly pregnant with this IUI I just had.
These dreams have really gotten in my head. I’m refusing to put any stock in them whatsoever. I just can’t. I can’t do that to myself. But my hunch is my overwhelming sadness today has something to do with these dreams and with the fact I had IUI on my birthday. I have learned not to attach any significance to dates of treatments or potential due dates. I’ve done that in the past and it never ended well. It was always just a heartbreaking let down time after time after time.
Lessons learned. I’m hoping the physical and emotional pain and heaviness are lifted tomorrow. I hope that today was just a really tough day. Because one thing I know, whether this IUI worked or not, we are not giving up. That’s the only thing I’m hanging on to for now.
Ugh…. how much of a downer am I? Blerf. Here’s hoping tomorrow and the next five days are better.