insight part three: doing it the right way.

I haven’t written any ‘insights’ into infertility lately. I’ve been working on stepping away from infertility and thoughts of trying to have a baby for now. I need a break and some fresh air…. free of trying to have a baby and the focus on my ridiculous uterus. Side note: this is going well, it’s been a refreshing few weeks so far, we plan to pick up treatments and procedures and poking and prodding again in early 2014.

Even still, for now I can’t let it pass that I have some pretty incredible friends who are sensitive and loving toward my plight. And I want to share that… just because it’s a big part of infertility in my opinion. Other women’s pregnancies that is.

In a word, my friends have done and are doing it right. They are handling their pregnancies and babies, with regard to me as an infertile, with so much grace and sensitivity. I am so grateful and blessed to be surrounded by a set of women who get me, who love me enough to care about protecting me and who made great efforts to make sure their pregnancies weren’t hard on me. I didn’t have to tell them or cry or explain to them how to tell me they were pregnant. They just KNEW.

Because seriously, as an infertile I don’t expect or want people to tip toe around or feel guilty for their own pregnancies and babies. That isn’t fair to them! They shouldn’t be robbed of that joy and excitement just because I’m struggling. I think the difference here is that my friends are amazing. They presented their pregnancies and babies to me with such sensitivity. I wish every infertile woman out there had friends like mine. It would make infertility so much easier, it does for me anyway.

All I can say is that I either got lucky (not likely) or that I did the right thing in weeding out and being extremely careful with the people I let be closest to me. I’ve worked hard to surround myself with women who I know have my best interest in mind, and in turn I have theirs in mind. Which is why I can find joy in their pregnancies and babies. Because we’ve built a friendship that is loving and understanding enough to get through the stuff that might be hard.

Recently two of my closest friends have had babies. They had them both about three weeks apart. At a time when I was struggling with yet another loss (i just couldn’t bring myself to mention it or talk or blog about it, very, very few people even knew, actually exactly three people knew. it was short again… another chemical.. i’ve become used to them now). I found joy in my friends having these sweet baby girls. I was so happy for them.

Both of these women came to me personally to tell me they were pregnant. I got a face to face conversation, prefaced by a “I know this is hard”. And they were right. It was hard. I so wanted what they had, yet I was still so happy for them. My point is this, they took the time to make sure they saw me personally. Told me in person in a sensitive way to my face, letting me process it, before they sent out mass texts or emails catching me off guard.

Now I’m not saying to all the fertiles out there that you have to do this to every infertile you know. I’m just saying if you have a really close friend who is infertile, give her the benefit of telling her about your pregnancy personally. While it may be hard for you both, in the long run… it’s easier. It made me feel good knowing these friends cared enough about my feelings and what I was dealing with to buffer what could have been a tough blow for me.

In fact it made me want to do more, from planning and hosting baby showers to taking them food and just being there for anything they needed (or still need). I wanted to be involved and share their joy of the new babies to come. I have a feeling when my time comes, if ever, that the favors and love will be returned 10 fold. Mostly because they tell me it will. When my time comes I won’t know what to do with all the love coming my way. I hope my time comes. Even if it takes a few more years. Again, for now… I’m focusing on my life as is and making plans for more vacations and home renovations.

All of that said I know that it’s not all about infertiles. It’s not all about fertiles either. But handling something like this with grace is they way to go. I love that my close friends were amazing examples of that grace. I’ve had the unexpected announcements of pregnancies come at me from people I know. It wasn’t easy. All I know is that as an infertile a little heads up from a really close or close-ish friend before a mass announcement helps buffer the blow of pregnancy announcements.

That said, if it’s an acquaintance or someone I’m not close to? A mass announcement doesn’t make me blink twice. Maybe I’ve set up a wall high enough to help with this. But for those people it is what it is. Good for them. They are having a baby, nice. But honestly I don’t care one way or the other… mostly because I don’t care deeply for those people. They are just people I know of… not people I KNOW and share life with.

I think the reason my close friends pregnancies and new babies tend to be hard on me is mostly because I wanted to experience pregnancy and a newborn WITH them. I wanted my own pregnancy to happen right alongside them. I wanted buddies to be in the club with.

I guess I’m just trying to say be gentle to the infertiles of the world if you are close to one. And I want to add, as an infertile, I make it a point not to be angry and ugly toward those who are blessed with pregnancies and babies. It’s easier said than done sometimes, sure. But I know my time will come. And I refuse to live my life being angry and bitter about what I don’t have.  I want to handle it with grace.  I don’t want to rob future mama’s of their joy just because mine hasn’t arrived yet.

I hope I don’t get punched in the face for this post…. or sound like a total asshat. These are just some thoughts rattling around, and I never know if I express them right or not… I hope I do.

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5 thoughts on “insight part three: doing it the right way.

  1. Even though I’m currently pregnant, I very much had the same attitude you’re talking about here. Sure I had my moments, especially when I’d see babies born via Facebook that weren’t even conceived when my journey began, but overall I didn’t and don’t want to be a hater. What good would that do? Now that’s not saying, you can’t have your moments (i certainly did when I’d read about so and so’s umpteenth child with umpteenth father), it’s just saying that you choose to take the glass is half full approach. Because you know what? You are right, you’re time probably WILL come. Believing that in your heart, despite the moments of doubt, is half the battle. And sharing love and graciousness with those who are celebrating a big moment in THEIR life demonstrates what a wonderful person you are. Having personally had some pretty shitty friend experiences over the last few years, I’ve now finally adopted your approach of weeding out the bad seeds. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely necessary!

    • it’s so true. it’s tough but so worth it in the end. and i’m glad you see where i’m coming from and agree with the approach. it’s encouraging to know other ‘infertiles’ out there are pregnant… so encouraging. hoping my day is here soon. 🙂

  2. This is lovely and very timely. I’m just dealing with the fact that my baby sister just got her BFP. She knows my struggles and was so gracious in how she told me, as well as how she told our older also IF sister. Beautifully written Dear. ❤

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