Huh. I had completely forgotten about this post. But I just found it. I guess staying busy all summer worked because I just sort of kept moving along and forgot I had ever written this. Felt this. Obviously this was near the start of the summer. Our summer is coming to a close now. While our hearts still ache, the summer sun has helped hot glue gun them back together enough to try again soon.
Wish us luck.
(side note: round three of a natural attempt was unsuccessful; but it was almost a relief. my body needed a break. big time)
Some months are harder than others. This cycle? This cycle has been brutal. I have no explanation as to why some months are harder than others, they just are. After my miscarriage I was hopeful, I can get pregnant. NATURALLY. Amazing. However, the reality sunk it. It hit home. Hard. That while I can get pregnant, they don’t seem to stick. I was sure this time it would stick… it just needed practice. My uterus. Practice at keeping a baby.
I guess my uterus didn’t get the memo. Another cycle, another loss. This time I didn’t take a test, but I knew. I knew why I was feeling like hammered poo for a week and a half straight. I knew why I was having mid-cycle cramps. I knew why I was nauseous and exhausted all day long. But I refused to let myself test. I refused to acknowledge it until later on. Just in case. I thought for some reason that would help make it easier if it didn’t stick again. You know what? It didn’t.
My heart is broken again. Into a million little pieces. It has taken a few days this time. A few days of crying, of frustration, of sheer and utter grief… This has been brutal. Try as I might I couldn’t hide it from those closest to me this time around. I couldn’t shove this one down and move on right away like I have so many other months. Thankfully my people stepped in and picked me up… because I couldn’t get myself up this time. It’s comforting to know I have these people, my husband, my friends, my sisters. I needed them to do the work for me the past few days. Thankfully they did.
I’m not going to lie and say my heart is healed up. It’s not. It’s still shattered. But it’s better. I got the help I needed, I let them take care of me for a few days. I also got the sleep I needed and have made it through to the point where I can breathe again. Deep breaths.
Thanks to the brutal nature of trying to have a baby without success, we are taking a break. I need a break from this. Edder needs a break from this. From thinking about it, from Dr. appointments, from disappointment, from a broken heart and from the grief. We are going to focus on our summer fun, our car restoration, our vacations…. our life as it is. Which is pretty stinking good. Other than this one little missing bean in our life, we are so happy and blessed. I am not taking that fact for granted, not one bit. When I feel the darkest I remind myself of all the good… and there is a lot. So much more than there ever has been before. Even still… the grief is still present. And it needs to be addressed.
When we feel ready we will pick back up and keep trying for our sweet baby, whatever that may look like. For now. We just need a break. Never before had I seen the Edder crack through this process. But I saw it the other day, I saw him crack, and it broke my heart even more. I feel like I’m the one who should be carrying this burden, not him. I don’t want him to have to hurt over this too. All of this led us to the decision that we needed a break from it. For our sanity. For our two broken hearts. We just need a break. So here’s to a summer filled with carefree fun that doesn’t involved tracking my reproductive system. Every. Single. Day. That thought is making me smile.