I’m finally just sucking it up and posting this. Just to get it out of my drafts. It’s a tough one. This was months ago, when I wrote it. It has gotten a little easier, but my heart still stings sometimes.
It’s a time like this that I am happy with my decision to write posts during my fertility process but post them after the fact. The tough times… those are the times I’m thankful I have some time to process, heal and then share my story. This stuff is tough. It’s amazing how the human heart can be so broken yet so determined.
When I met my new therapist a few months ago (after losing my therapist of many years to a car accident) she had a few assignments for me. One of which was to list what I thought were my best qualities. I told Edder about the assignment and told him the three qualities that I had come up with. Asking him if he thought that was an accurate portrayal. Edder just looked at me and said… wow…. “that is so spot on. That’s you!” So I guess he agreed.
My list included: Determined, Creative, Athletic. Three things. It’s not a lot, but I think I can be pretty well summed up with those three things. Especially the first one. It isn’t easy to come up with an extensive list of your best traits, at least for me. My ego is kept in check on a regular basis (no complaints, i’m not a fan of big ego’s)! Anyway, we all have characteristics that make us. We have different strengths and weaknesses. I believe I was given a determined, unwavering spirit for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is yet, but I know there is one.
I have been knocked down and bowled over so many times in life. I have often felt like an underdog. I have struggled, I’ve had heartache, I’ve learned valuable lessons the hard way… but most importantly I have grown and been able to learn from all those experiences. And I get up and keep going. And I am a better person for it. Every single time. All the times I’ve been knocked down, or even knocked out. As badly as I wanted to/want to give up I always, ALWAYS got/get up. No matter how bruised my ego or heart got/gets. I get up again and again and again. Humbled, with lessons learned and noted. I am almost a glutton for punishment. But thanks to therapy I have learned where to draw the line at not giving up, while not beating myself to a pulp in the process.
This determination is coming in handy during my fertility process. And here’s why…
Through shaking hands and tears in my eyes one day I brought Edder a little white stick. A little white stick that had two pink lines on it. Along with a teeny-tiny onesie that says “i torted” (lawyer nerdery). He looked at me, so confused. He said, oh look at that, how cute (referring to the onesie). Then I said… do you see the stick? He was all…. “what”? He saw the tears and he took the test and he just sat there staring at it in disbelief (as did i) and just kept saying “what? really? huh? is this real?” I assured him it was real.
I was pregnant. For the first time in 10 years of our marriage, I was finally pregnant. And it didn’t take medicine or IUI. This baby happened naturally. We couldn’t believe it. My shaking and tears didn’t stop all day. Neither did my heartburn or gagginess. Or my desire to sleep. We were both in disbelief. I was 5 weeks pregnant. Everything changed. Plans for a big trip in the winter, our 10 year anniversary getaway, home renovations… all of it fell away and all I wanted to do was get ready for this baby. Our baby. My sweet, sweet baby. Absolutely nothing else mattered. We were both overjoyed, to say the least.
Sadly our joy was short lived. A few days later the cramping began. Then the bleeding began. I was again in shock. I was confused yet hopeful it wasn’t what I knew it was. I called my fertility clinic and went in for blood work. My fears were confirmed. Our sweet baby didn’t make it. He didn’t stick around. I was in shock… it’s amazing how quickly your world can change in the span of a few days. It took a good week for what had happened to settle in. It took that week for my symptoms of heartburn and gagginess to subside as well. That. Was. Brutal.
But through the shock, confusion and heartbreak there was hope. And determination to keep going. So much hope. So much more determination. For the first time in my life I had been pregnant. And it happened naturally. It was a complete miracle. Although he didn’t stick around for long, our baby was there. If even just for a few days. And I was madly in love with him. And oddly so PROUD of him!
My determination couldn’t be stronger right now, even through the tears that are flowing as I type this. It’s going to happen again. I love that day already.
This all happened a few months ago. There have been more attempts since then, another success, then more failure and even more heartbreak. But we aren’t giving up. We are just taking a break. I see the line clearly right now, that line I need to draw between being determined and torturing myself (and edder–this isn’t any easier for him). We are stepping back for a few months, enjoying life and waiting to feel ready again. Maybe we will have a winter miracle. We continue to hope anyway.
Reading over this post again and thinking about what’s happened the past few months makes my heart ache. Which confirms my decision to take a break. We call those two babies we had in the span of two months our warm-up crew. They were paving the way, getting my uterus all prepped for the babies to come.
Oh the things you tell yourself to stay sane….