the wait. day six.

Written on day six after my first IUI procedure (to keep it vague but with reference, it was a few months ago).

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This is an emotional process, people. It’s not easy. Right now the hardest part for me is that I am having pregnancy symptoms but I know it’s just the effects of my Ovidrel trigger shot. Just imagine being in my shoes for a minute. You’ve been wanting and trying to have a baby for four years and you finally get the excitement of having early pregnancy symptoms (because yes, this is exciting to someone in my shoes) only to remind yourself constantly it’s the hormones, not a baby.

Yesterday I poured out some frozen fruit into my blender to make a morning smoothie and as I picked up a big strawberry to plunk it in I had the overwhelming urge to gag. It wasn’t that I wanted to throw up. My throat just caught in disgust for a second. Then I poured cream in my mug for coffee (don’t even on this one, another topic for another day… oy) and the smell was almost too much. I stopped and dealt with Milo for awhile and was able to pour my coffee and even take a sip after awhile.

This morning as Edder sliced a banana into his cereal bowl I leaned over to get more coffee and just about lost it. I had to step away for a bit before going back to the counter where the evil bananas were lurking. I managed to pour my coffee but had to jet out of the kitchen… I actually did gag a little. So gross. And I hate that word. GAG. But I don’t know how else to describe it! Edder just laughed and was all “seriously? Bananas? You poor girl.” Thankfully he ate his breakfast away from me.

Other than the morning bouts of nausea (which usually subsides by 9:30 or so) I’m feeling exhausted and yawning all the time, and the emotions of this whole thing are starting to hit home. Then last night the waves of lightheaded-ness hit. Yes, another symptom of the hormones. And today I’ve had one round of dizzy so far. All in all I’m handling it the best I can. Even still, some moments it’s still the emotional side that is the worst.

I’ve been working out. No running, I know there is no harm in running, but for as much money as each round of medicated IUI costs and for as much as I’m putting my body through… why risk anything? I’ve gone to weights classes where I keep it on the tame side, and yoga. That’s about it. And that’s enough for now for me. The reason I’m actually not running is because I know myself well. And I know that I would have a hard time not going and running my standard 5 miles at a 8:45 pace right now. Well… maybe I would… ha. Maybe I’ll be too tired to run that far.

The only reason I say this is because while I know it can’t harm the baby (if there is one) itself, the problem is that my blood and oxygen are going to my heart and lungs and brain, not my uterus, during a run. Pretty sure hearing that from the nurse is what solidified my decision to just find other activities these two weeks. Again, my situation isn’t normal and I can’t treat it as so. I’m doing what I sense and feel is best for me. And I’m learning as I go.

Last thing for today’s rant. I’m doing the best I can to manage this. The emotional side is tough, yesterday I had to just give up on my day and go home early from work and sleep. I am irritable, scared, tired and just plain done by about 5p every day. I am trying to let myself rest and be still during this because when I do I feel so much better. SO much better. I think the bottom line here is that I have to learn how to handle what these hormones are doing to my body and emotions. That may take awhile. I have to go easy on myself while I figure it all out.

On the physical side, I’ve gained two pounds in the last week. I’m absolutely okay with this, I am prepared, also an effect of the hormones. Even though I say that to myself over and over in my mind, it’s still difficult. To be so out of control of my body, not being able to workout as hard as I usually do or control all the weight finding it’s way onto me. I know it’s for good reason, I know it’s part of the process… it doesn’t make it easy.

Oh the things I put my body through… baby bean, come home to mommy soon, please.

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4 thoughts on “the wait. day six.

  1. It’s kind of bittersweet to read these posts after the fact and know what your result was…hard not to be hopeful for you.

    I think one of the hardest parts for me about not running once we started our IVF procedures was that running was/is/hopefully will be again soon the best way for me to process all the emotions/experience. It’s hard to cut that off when you’re in the midst of something like this.

    I hope you’re going to post about the Hospital Hill run…anxious to hear how it went!

    • i know, going back and reading them before i post them, remembering how hopeful i was… total gut punch. this process can be so brutal :/ i about lost it last week again. i think there may be a fertility break in the next few months for us.

      and yes, my next post will be on the race! hoping i can do it next year too.

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