the wait. day three.

Again, a post written in the past, this is still regarding our first round of IUI. I was on day three of my two week wait when I wrote this. While the Edder and I approach our fertility as an adventure and attempt to have as much fun with it as we can, it doesn’t mean this process doesn’t have its ups and downs for us. But we are Team Robinson and are making the best of it.

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The ups and downs. We are now on day three of the dreaded “two week wait”. While Edder is supportive and funny and wonderful during this process, one thing he can’t do is totally understand what I’m going through. No one can, except the other women out there in this club. Even women who conceive easily. They anxiously wait those two weeks to find out if it really worked, but they will never understand what this wait is like. The two week wait for an “infertile”.

The joys of the “TWW” (two week wait) for me mean I go from peaceful and calm, smiling at everyone I see, feeling like the world is a brighter happier place; to feeling like I’m carrying a precious secret; to a racing heart and agonizing over every twinge I feel in my lower body wondering if our procedure worked; to the morning nausea; to wanting to cry over all of it.  Over what I’ve been putting my body and mind through this year. It isn’t easy.

There’s also the whole ‘constantly wondering’ thing going on. At the forefront of my mind every minute of my waking days… wondering if it worked. Picturing where in the process our little bean is if it DID work. (Please don’t think or say “just don’t think about it”… just don’t, other women who’ve been in my shoes understand, it’s not that easy. that’s all that matters). Thankfully I have a sister who has forged a path for me in infertility treatments. She has been a saving grace the past few days.

Then there’s the stuff those of us in the “infertiles” club know and have to deal with that other women don’t. We know that the hormones our doctors have been pumping into our bodies are messing with our minds. The Clomid, the Ovidrel trigger shot… they are fooling my body. My ovaries are fat and happy, swollen even, much more than usual thanks to the stimulation of Clomid and all the follicles it produced. The HCG hormones are pumping through my body, fooling my body into thinking it’s pregnant. But those of us in this club know we can’t let our minds go there. It does no good. With every symptom I am reminded it’s hormones, not pregnancy. That’s brutal, people.

There is an achiness and just…. “feeling” in my internal girly bits that I’ve never felt before. They twitch, they shimmy… they don’t really hurt. I can just FEEL them. It’s like my ovaries and fallopian tubes are passengers on a cruise ship leaving the port waving frantically to all of the zero people standing on the pier. Reminding me that I am waiting and they are fooling.

So yeah. It’s tough.

Not to mention my uterus is sensitive from all the contracting it did the day of IUI. Apparently having millions of sperm deposited directly into your uterus can be a bit shocking. GO FIGURE. My uterus tickled me for a full day after our procedure. Making that area sensitive to pressure. Then my delicate little muffin of an 18 lb cat jumped in bed with us last night and on his way to climb mount papa (to annoy papa with purring while he’s trying to sleep) Frank stepped ever so indelicately on my uterus. Holy mother of all things uteri. WHAT THE…. that hurt. My entire lower abdomen basically hates me.

Those are just a fraction of the things I’m going through. I can’t even begin to explain all the thoughts and feelings right now. But they are there. Waiting with me for the next two weeks. Like an unwanted companion. Believe me, if I could shut this off, I would.

And I’m only on day three. I guess this means I have time to write about all the feelers I am having. LUCKY.

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