insight. part three.

Or as I like to call it: the irrational fear and worry of the unknown.

I haven’t written about my infertility in awhile, I had some races that have kept me thankfully distracted. I’m finding that, while maybe it isn’t the healthiest way (or maybe it is, not sure) to deal with it, running is helping me deal with infertility right now. This past week, with the excitement of my last minute marathon success waning, I started to really struggle.

With my surgery looming in a short few months (it feels like it can’t come fast enough) I am starting to get scared. And worried. And nervous. And think too much about the future. Which isn’t productive in any way shape or form. Fear is the most prominent feeling I am experiencing right now. In a few weeks we will go back to my Reproductive Endocrinologist to talk about blood work results, Edder’s test results (which were actually really good) and schedule my surgery which will be in early February. And hopefully come up with some sort of plan.

The thing is I’ve found myself falling asleep at night to the thoughts: what if…. What if they start the surgery and find my fallopian tubes are useless and blocked. What if they find they need to remove an ovary. What if the endometriosis has gotten so bad after so many years that there is nothing that can be done. What if my eggs are all low grade and I’m shriveled up and finished on the inside (dramatic? yes… have you met me?!). What if there is no chance to have a baby of our own…

It makes me lose my breath and tear up just thinking about it. This is why running and doing triathlons has been so good for me. Distraction.

I am terrified that this surgery won’t work and we will be left facing something that I’m not sure I’ll know how to handle. I’m prepared to take time off work to heal physically, but also emotionally after this surgery. Just in case. So there it is. I’m just plain scared. I’m scared I’ll let the Edder down too. This isn’t just about me and my future, it’s his too.

The struggle to stay optimistic right now, when I know there are so many factors that could be against me and my insides, is beyond difficult. I make feeble attempts, but mostly the past week I’ve let it get to me. I’ve shed a lot of tears, and smiles have been minimal. I just plain don’t know how to feel or how to handle this right now. This unknown, this fear, this pressure (that i realize i’m putting on myself).

If anyone has any tips, please share! I could use them. It’s not that easy to ‘just not worry, and say whatever will be will be’. No. this is my future and my husbands future, my hopes and dreams for a baby of our own, that looks like us, that is part of each of us… I feel like it’s all riding on this one surgery.

Terrifying. We just want to know if we need to just move on and look at a future without babies, or to plan our life around a family… I feel so much pressure! It’s so unknown and frustrating! Maybe this just means I have control issues…. which is likely. I can’t always control my own destiny, no matter how much I try. Hard truth. RUDE.

I want to kick and scream and throw a fit until I get my way. Until I know I can grow a baby inside my belly!! Sigh. So not gonna happen. So instead I sit helpless and unsure of what to do with myself for now.

I don’t know what else to say. Other than this sucks. A big one. Here’s hoping a visit with my therapist helps me find some peace and guidance on how to handle this. Because right now I’m at a loss. So that’s, that. Off to train for my upcoming triathlon and hopefully clear my mind.

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2 thoughts on “insight. part three.

  1. I have had all your feelings…and am still going through them. My husband and I are on our second IUI attempt after fail after fail after fail. It is depressing and frustrating and the docs have yet to figure out why I can’t get pregnant. I am now taking Clomid and then injections (yay fun) for the second round. If this doesn’t work the doc says it would be time to discuss IVF. Even that is not guaranteed and may take a few rounds…at 12K a time. So depressing. All the what-ifs run through my head always leading to “what if we can’t have babies”. It just drops me into a very sad place I don’t want to be.
    I think it is a control issue as I have always been a go-getter type of girl that sees “you can’t” as “you just watch me”. This I have NO control over and am left to just waiting….
    And the more that it seems we can’t have children the more I want a baby growing in my belly and feeling all those fabulous feelings (even the not-so-fabulous feelings will be fabulous if I can create a baby!)
    My blogging has dwindled down because this attempt at creation is just occupying my whole being right now that everything else seems trivial. I have tried to run my emotions out of myself to a happier place but it is getting harder and harder to do. Plus, with the IUI I am not allowed to get my HR about 140….holy crap talk about difficult. Again, I do everything I am supposed to diligently because of how bad I want all this.
    I feel your sorry, I feel your pain. I don’t have any answers or tips for you as I feel I am kinda in the same boat here. And seriously, if someone tells me to “just relax” or “don’t worry it’ll happen” one more time my fake smile is going to split. How can I NOT worry?
    Wishing you lots of luck and good thoughts to you and your husband.

    • it’s all so difficult. my heart aches for you! i hope the second round of iui was successful for you! hoping to go for my first round as soon as possible after surgery. don’t lose hope!

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