Or as I like to call it: the irrational fear and worry of the unknown.
I haven’t written about my infertility in awhile, I had some races that have kept me thankfully distracted. I’m finding that, while maybe it isn’t the healthiest way (or maybe it is, not sure) to deal with it, running is helping me deal with infertility right now. This past week, with the excitement of my last minute marathon success waning, I started to really struggle.
With my surgery looming in a short few months (it feels like it can’t come fast enough) I am starting to get scared. And worried. And nervous. And think too much about the future. Which isn’t productive in any way shape or form. Fear is the most prominent feeling I am experiencing right now. In a few weeks we will go back to my Reproductive Endocrinologist to talk about blood work results, Edder’s test results (which were actually really good) and schedule my surgery which will be in early February. And hopefully come up with some sort of plan.
The thing is I’ve found myself falling asleep at night to the thoughts: what if…. What if they start the surgery and find my fallopian tubes are useless and blocked. What if they find they need to remove an ovary. What if the endometriosis has gotten so bad after so many years that there is nothing that can be done. What if my eggs are all low grade and I’m shriveled up and finished on the inside (dramatic? yes… have you met me?!). What if there is no chance to have a baby of our own…
It makes me lose my breath and tear up just thinking about it. This is why running and doing triathlons has been so good for me. Distraction.
I am terrified that this surgery won’t work and we will be left facing something that I’m not sure I’ll know how to handle. I’m prepared to take time off work to heal physically, but also emotionally after this surgery. Just in case. So there it is. I’m just plain scared. I’m scared I’ll let the Edder down too. This isn’t just about me and my future, it’s his too.
The struggle to stay optimistic right now, when I know there are so many factors that could be against me and my insides, is beyond difficult. I make feeble attempts, but mostly the past week I’ve let it get to me. I’ve shed a lot of tears, and smiles have been minimal. I just plain don’t know how to feel or how to handle this right now. This unknown, this fear, this pressure (that i realize i’m putting on myself).
If anyone has any tips, please share! I could use them. It’s not that easy to ‘just not worry, and say whatever will be will be’. No. this is my future and my husbands future, my hopes and dreams for a baby of our own, that looks like us, that is part of each of us… I feel like it’s all riding on this one surgery.
Terrifying. We just want to know if we need to just move on and look at a future without babies, or to plan our life around a family… I feel so much pressure! It’s so unknown and frustrating! Maybe this just means I have control issues…. which is likely. I can’t always control my own destiny, no matter how much I try. Hard truth. RUDE.
I want to kick and scream and throw a fit until I get my way. Until I know I can grow a baby inside my belly!! Sigh. So not gonna happen. So instead I sit helpless and unsure of what to do with myself for now.
I don’t know what else to say. Other than this sucks. A big one. Here’s hoping a visit with my therapist helps me find some peace and guidance on how to handle this. Because right now I’m at a loss. So that’s, that. Off to train for my upcoming triathlon and hopefully clear my mind.