one step closer.

Baby steps. Yep, first TBR (team baby robinson) post my friends. This has been a rough week for me in regard to infertility. It feels as though there are a lot of wonderful women in my life who are blessed in regard to conceiving. While I am thrilled for my friends, and share in their joy and want to share in their pregnancies and stories and babies… some days it’s tough. Tougher than I ever admit or show to anyone other than my sisters and the Edder. I feel so incredibly alone in this sometimes. My sisters are literally the only other women I know who struggle with this issue.

I put on a bright smile, hoping that smile shows what I truly feel for my friends. Joy! But there is a part of me that aches. The part that goes home and sits on the bed and lets the tears flow. As I sit wondering WHY.

WHY.

That’s the big question. Why do I have a heart shaped ‘hostile’ uterus, why do I have endometriosis and endometrial cysts? Why can’t I just easily have a baby? Like so many others. Yes, I know the logical answer, but my heart doesn’t always understand and accept that logical answer.

This is all at the forefront today since I went in for more bloodwork for my Reproductive Endocrinologist to assess. It’s necessary. But it took time out of my already rough morning (it was just one of those days, forgetting things, running late, distracted by life, work issues…messy). Time I didn’t want to devote to going to the Dr. yet again. To have a needle shoved in my arm so they could gather three vials of blood.

Then I realized something. I was sitting there staring at the hideous wallpaper in the lab as the nurse filled the vials, (needles don’t bother me as long as i don’t have to look at them while in me) when I was struck by this thought. If the love and joy and laughs that I have and get from my sweet baby niece are even remotely close to what I’ll feel when baby robs gets here? And I’m assured it will be. Then these days are worth it.

My niece had major back surgery this week. She is only 20 months old, she is teeny-tiny, delicate and precious. She needed a significant surgery to fix some spinal issues. The surgery went well and she is recovering. She will walk, jump and dance again, like a healthy toddler! But watching this whole process has been heartbreaking. I love her so incredibly much, more than I thought possible. Knowing she hurts kills me. And this is ‘just’ my niece!

So that is what thankfully made me realize, as odd as it seems, that having my own small human will be worth the minor inconveniences I have to deal with when I’m having a bad day.

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4 thoughts on “one step closer.

  1. I’m still getting the nerve to go to the doctor to find out why we haven’t been able to conceive. I too feel the heart pangs and guilty tug of longing in my belly when I see others with beautiful babies. I don’t want to feel that ache of jealousy and “poor why me-s” but they come every time and lately in stronger nauseating waves with every dose. Wanting a baby with all my might, to be able to hold that little pink bundle, a little version of me and my husband….it is painful and sorrowful to not be able to know the answer to all my “whys”. I should be eager to get to the doctors to find out what is wrong but I guess I am fearful of being told I will never be able to have the what I want most in my life right now. I have an appointment in two weeks…
    I wish you luck and know you aren’t the only one:)hugs

    • thanks for this. the whole thing is tough, without a doubt. it took nearly a year of my sisters and closest friends gently suggesting i just go get “checked out” before i had the nerve to do it. it’s scary. but i can honestly say i’m REALLY glad i did. now i know what i’m working with, i have a logical explanation and we have an actual plan. all of which helped a LOT. best of luck, i look forward to hearing how it goes for you. it’s good not to be alone in this…

  2. It is completely worth it. I used to struggle with the WHY a lot as well. a whole lot. I mean, crack whores get pregnant every day, so why don’t I just start smoking crack? Why did I bust a hernia as a toddler that was fixed with this mesh thing that is now shown to cause low sperm counts? Why is this my problem? yes, I can totally relate. You are not alone even if I am just a man.

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