Baby steps. Yep, first TBR (team baby robinson) post my friends. This has been a rough week for me in regard to infertility. It feels as though there are a lot of wonderful women in my life who are blessed in regard to conceiving. While I am thrilled for my friends, and share in their joy and want to share in their pregnancies and stories and babies… some days it’s tough. Tougher than I ever admit or show to anyone other than my sisters and the Edder. I feel so incredibly alone in this sometimes. My sisters are literally the only other women I know who struggle with this issue.
I put on a bright smile, hoping that smile shows what I truly feel for my friends. Joy! But there is a part of me that aches. The part that goes home and sits on the bed and lets the tears flow. As I sit wondering WHY.
That’s the big question. Why do I have a heart shaped ‘hostile’ uterus, why do I have endometriosis and endometrial cysts? Why can’t I just easily have a baby? Like so many others. Yes, I know the logical answer, but my heart doesn’t always understand and accept that logical answer.
This is all at the forefront today since I went in for more bloodwork for my Reproductive Endocrinologist to assess. It’s necessary. But it took time out of my already rough morning (it was just one of those days, forgetting things, running late, distracted by life, work issues…messy). Time I didn’t want to devote to going to the Dr. yet again. To have a needle shoved in my arm so they could gather three vials of blood.
Then I realized something. I was sitting there staring at the hideous wallpaper in the lab as the nurse filled the vials, (needles don’t bother me as long as i don’t have to look at them while in me) when I was struck by this thought. If the love and joy and laughs that I have and get from my sweet baby niece are even remotely close to what I’ll feel when baby robs gets here? And I’m assured it will be. Then these days are worth it.
My niece had major back surgery this week. She is only 20 months old, she is teeny-tiny, delicate and precious. She needed a significant surgery to fix some spinal issues. The surgery went well and she is recovering. She will walk, jump and dance again, like a healthy toddler! But watching this whole process has been heartbreaking. I love her so incredibly much, more than I thought possible. Knowing she hurts kills me. And this is ‘just’ my niece!
So that is what thankfully made me realize, as odd as it seems, that having my own small human will be worth the minor inconveniences I have to deal with when I’m having a bad day.